I think I died a long time ago.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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