It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i think i just naturally attract stoners
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
