well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
