note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so much tequila, so little girl.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
