I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
