Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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