btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
