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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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