WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
