sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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