Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish you could order shots online.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
