I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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