I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
