highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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