Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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