If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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