The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
