we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
