The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
