Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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