I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Rumble strips road head = magical
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
