all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
