i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
