I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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