somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
