Yo dont text me then not text me
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
