Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
