I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
