I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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