his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
