genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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