Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
