i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
