while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
