dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
honey bunches of taint.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
