i would punch a child for taco bell
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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