I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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