Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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