I think my fart just growled at me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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