I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
