I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
