Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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