I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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