you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
