i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
