My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dicks are not precious.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
