Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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