theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
