A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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