Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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