I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
