dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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