he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
