My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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