I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
