Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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