Pappa wants mamma naked
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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