If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
