Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
