I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
